Hate~~~Love // Love~~~Hate

~Living with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma that is Hopefully in Remission~

I think of hate and love as being very separate and different.  But I’ve also heard many times that someone has a love/hate relationship with someone or something.  It seems illogical to have feelings that are opposing about a thing or a person, but they really go together and seem to create a balance.

Without studying Yin and Yang to any great degree, I have thought about this seemingly unusual relationship of opposites as it related to love and hate.

Here’s my list of Hate and Love that’s been going through my mind lately:

My Hematologist: 

-I really hate him.  When I think of him, my first thought is that he is the barer of bad news.  He has actually called me on my cell a few times and never has anything good to say.   He walks into the exam room and tells me I have cancer or that my scans and biopsies are not normal.  I HATE him!

-But I really love him too because he has told me on a few occasions that he has thought of me and my complicated and puzzling case over periods of days which leads me to believe that he wants to help me in the best way he can.  He was the one who arranged the treatments for me and wrote on the care plan that the goal was for cure.  I LOVE him for giving me hope in my darkest hour.

Chemo:

-There’s nothing scarier than coming to the realization that Chemo poison will be poured in to your body.  The stories of the immediate side effects are enough to trigger a pity party, and God knows what all of the late term side effects can be.   I hate that we even need Chemo and can’t just eliminate the beast, cancer!

-But, Chemo can also be life-saving or prolonging, and as it turns out, the side effects are not as bad as they used to be, and can be managed very easily.  I love having Chemo as a weapon in the arsenal against cancer.

Testing, Testing, and more Testing:

-I hate all of these tests!  It sometimes feels like a full time job scheduling tests, preparing for them, and then waiting for the results. Waiting is the worst.  Anxiety provoking.

-But these tests are absolutely necessary and can be life-saving.   With lymphoma, the tests are so refined that they can usually isolate one kind of lymphoma from about 80, which helps with treatment decisions.  Without extensive testing with precise outcomes, prognoses can be less than favorable.

Cancer:

-It’s obvious that cancer is hated.  A no-brainer.  An unplanned and uninvited guest.  A challenge that no-one wants to face.   We all HATE it.

-But I’ve read time and time again that having cancer has been an enlightening experience for so many as it has brought in to focus what’s important.  It’s also sent many people on to important tasks of research, writing, and developing important programs that support others in their personal battles.  I don’t think I’ve ever read or heard anyone say they LOVE cancer, but I have heard that they wouldn’t trade the experience for anything.

I’m not sure I’m there yet, or will ever be there for that matter.

This diagnosis has changed me, but I’m just not exactly sure about all of the ways yet.

Enlightenment doesn’t happen overnight.

I can wait patiently to learn of all I’ve gained from this, hopefully including having a better understanding of the meaning of life.

I’m sure it’s worth waiting for.

I have a love~~~hate relationship with this “work of art”. I really hate the finished product, but I love the technique and can see myself trying it again, maybe with a better focus and plan.

 

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4 Responses to Hate~~~Love // Love~~~Hate

  1. Glynny Schiavoni says:

    Life can surely be daunting’ as well as a blessing. Remember, when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
    I read something in a book the others day that I think you will appreciate, Diane. ” Nature is GOD’s tranquilizer “.
    Sending lots of love your way,
    Glynny

    • Diane Fiore says:

      Daunting and a blessing…another example of opposites that color our world, Glynny. And I love the knot thought. What a practical way to convince yourself that you can hang on. I plan on buying a new bike and getting outside. It’s been too long, and God/Nature is calling me. Love you so much! Diane

  2. Maria Wulf says:

    This is enlightening to read Diane. And a really honest way of thinking about it. How things can be both. It can be confusing, but your acceptance of feeling both ways and laying it out like this makes me think of some of the things in my life that I feel this way about. And that it’s not something to be resolved, it just is.

    • Diane Fiore says:

      I’m so glad you said that about it not being something to be resolved, Maria. Because even though I have recognized these opposing feelings towards things and people, I still felt uneasy about it all. Saying that it “just is” makes so much sense and will help me to accept the strangeness of it all a little better. Grateful for your insight.

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